tRoPpMaNn-On A wIrE

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.

Aries Mar – Apr 21

Your belief that all life’s problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night’s sleep will be severely tested this week when you’re introduced to mathematics.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

A combination of hubris, treachery, and everyday low prices will soon mark the end of your reign as Mattress King.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

While it’s true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

You’ll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.

Aries Mar 19 – Apr 21

Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

Aries Mar 19 -Apr 21

It is said that the eyes are the windows to one’s soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing 63 employees.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.