tRoPpMaNn-On A wIrE

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

You’ll continue playing dress-up this week, despite being almost 30, and feeling kind of silly every time you put on that professional-looking suit.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Try listening to your body this week. It’s got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you’ll soon be labeled as NSFW.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you’re still not wearing any pants.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Turns out it’s not your relationship with your father that’s been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Tuberculosis is certainly not the death sentence it used to be, though that’ll be hard to tell just by looking at you.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.